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Sabre Jets

The history of the Sabre Jets is steeped in nebulous shadow --- the group's past is, as the saying goes, an enigma wrapped in a question mark, seasoned with a healthy dose of mystery. Is there a saying like that? 'Cause if not, there should be. Let us gaze back over the annals of history and trace the fortunes of this iconic band, and determine how they arrived as THE uncontested champions of surf music in the 21st century. In landlocked Alberta, Canada, no less.......

FLASHBACK!!! In the mid-1960's, the current members of the Sabre Jets were, quite simply, on top of the world. Known at the time as "Jeff Jive and the Uptown Five", the band was adored and revered by surf bunnies and space cowboys alike. No beach bash or society swingfest was attended, or even acknowledged, by the hep cats of the day unless the Uptown Five were scheduled to take the stage to dazzle and amaze partygoers with their fresh and innovative surf sounds. Jeff Jive, lead vocalist, was absent more often than not from these performances, opting instead to sing (poorly) and play tambourine (marginally better, but still poorly) with his sissy-boy side-project -- a folk trio known simply as "Jeff, Paul, and Art". Fortunately, the Uptown Five functioned admirably as an instrumental group.

As the Uptown Five revelled in their super-mega-stardom and universal acclaim, certain cosmic doors opened which may have remained closed forever for mere mortals. One of the band's biggest, and most influential, fans was General Steve Spiccoli --- not only one of the foremost surfers of the day, but head honcho of NASA's super-secret post-Apollo space missions. Faced with overflowing governmental coffers and seemingly bottomless funding which he chose to blow on ludicrous space missions (and, it's rumoured, tons of weed), General Steve approached the band one day in late 1968 with an outrageous proposal which was to shape the band's future in a most radical and bitchin' way: "Dudes", said General Steve one blustery Friday afternoon in mid-November, stoned out of his gourd, "How would you like to be the first band to perform SPACE???" He then fell asleep for three days after eating seven Sara Lee cheescakes and a can of Pringles.

Fast-Forward to spare you all of the boring historical stuff --- Jeff Jive and the Uptown Five broke the surly bonds of Earth the following year on March 6th on the Apollo '69 mission --- an event since wiped from the history books for reasons which shall become apparent.....eventually. General Steve's ill-conceived plan was to have the Uptown Five slingshot around the Moon in the super-advanced, hot-rodded (and Hi-Fi equipped) Apollo '69 spacecraft while performing their classic album "Beef in the Reef --- Surf Cow Wipeout!" in its entirety. Live, from outer space!!!! The band couldn't say no, obviously, and the rest as they say is history. Incidentally, isn't it weird that Jupiter gets cool names for its moons like "Io" and "Europa" and "Callisto", and Earth's moon is just "The Moon". Serious lack of creativity, moon-naming dudes. Geez. the Apollo 69 reached the midpoint of its journey, and halfway through their mind-blowing live performance of "Beef in the Reef Pt. II -- Another Cow in the Coral", something went horribly wrong. Due to catastrophic system failure (rumoured to have originated with dangerously high levels of Tang consumption and the resulting hyperactive fit thrown by vocalist Jeff Jive), the ship's life support system was irreparably ruptured, and it became clear that there wouldn't be sufficient oxygen to see the entire crew home safely. The classic dilemma --- one must die. After a feverish and panicky band meeting (which Jeff slept through after burning off the excess Tang in his system), the Uptown Five voted unanimously to eject Jeff Jive from the ship to preserve their own lives with the remaining oxygen and return safely to Earth. Still sleeping, Jeff Jive was blown out of the airlock, and remains in orbit around the Moon to this very day, tambourine in hand, Tang residue still adhering to his lips in a sticky orange grimace. (As a point of interest, once freed from his oppressive presence, fellow folkies Paul and Art went on to great success as a folk duo. Three's a crowd, after all.)

It seemed as though the Uptown Five had cheated certain death as they rocketed back towards the welcoming embrace of Mother Earth, with Jeff Jive's rapidly freezing Tang-covered corpse in the rearview mirror.....until the Surf Gods threw a Kahuna-sized curveball their way. Unbenownst to our heroes, the Apollo '69 passed through the tail of the as-yet undiscovered comet "Sabre Jet" enroute to Earth, and was hurled into a gnarly time-space vortex which radically altered the future of everyone aboard the Apollo, and.......every occupant of Planet Earth. Forever. And ever.

Upon splashdown later that fateful morning, somewhere off the west coast of Vancouver Island, the Uptown Five rejoiced at their safe return to Earth. In typical fashion, the dudes pulled their longboards off the roof rack of the Apollo '69 and caught a few waves before the government recovery vessel, dispatched by General Steve, approached to retrieve them. Once aboard the frigate, the band was summoned to a super-ultra-secret board meeting with General Steve, who had mysteriously lost all of his formerly shaggy surfer hair and grown totally wrinkly during their absence from Earth. The band was stunned (even more so than usual) to discover that 30 years had instantly passed since their departure from Earth, and that they were staring down the barrel of the year 2009. An astronomer pal of General Steve had traced the movements of the Sabre Jet comet, and through years of retroactive calculations had determined that this was the source of the band's mysterious disappearance in 1969.....and their subsequent miraculous arrival in the 21st century. Holy freaking shit, eh?

Faced by an obvious need to cover the tracks of his frivolous pot-fueled decision to send a surf band into space at a cost of billions of dollars to taxpayers, with nothing to show for the effort but definitive evidence of time-travel and a dead, frozen lead singer, the geriatric 21st century version of General Steve whisked the Uptown Five away to a secret compond to have their identities re-moulded so that they could return to the world as contributing members of society, without raising any troublesome questions about where they'd come from. All record of their existence in the '60's was wiped out (aside from the occasional pesky bootleg recording which shows up on VH1 from time to time during the "Where Are They Now?" segement........), and all memory of the Uptown Five was scrubbed from the collective consciousness forever. Or was it???

Living in obscurity didn't sit well with the once-fabulous Five, and after being discharged from General Steve's government compound, the boys established an underground secret headquarters from which to launch their comeback. Adhering to their new government-prescribed identities, "Dave Wave", "Kookie", "Johnny Blaze", and "Bolt Action", the Uptown Five renamed themselves "The Sabre Jets" in honour of the comet which had hurled them so unceremoniously into a new and terrifying millenium --- a millenium totally lacking awesome surf bands, and ruled by apes. Well, actually, not by apes.....but W. did hold out for two consecutive terms. Oh, the horror.

Led by the sinuous, soul-searing lead guitar of new bandleader Dave Wave, the Sabre Jets are now poised for world domination, and a return to the glory of a bygone era. Kookie throws down some of the most tsunami-like basslines this side of Cali. Johnny Blaze growls on rhythm guitar (he's single, ladies, and he has enough love for everyone), and the madman breaking the beat behind the skins is the frenetic and fantastical Bolt Action. The Sabre Jets have emerged from their subterranean headquarters with a singleminded and surftastic purpose, nay ---- a MISSION --- to restore the glory of surf to a world gone awry. Imitators beware --- The Sabre Jets are on the scene, undaunted by space and time travel, untainted by Tang, and ever-ready to bring the party to a beach near you! There's no way you can be ready for this, Surfites, so don't even try. Just ride the wild surf with the Sabre Jets!
Basic Info
Joined Facebook 03/28/2009
Genre Rock / Surf / Garage
Members Dave Wave, Johnny Blaze, Kookie, Bolt Action
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Last updated: 2014-02-28 18:52:04

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